Continuing our journey this week we will explore the possibilities of applying the Niyamas to Conflict situations. The Yamas are how we interact with the external world, the Niyamas are how we interact with ourselves, our internal world. The five Niyamas are: Shaucha, Santosha, Tapas, Swadhyaya, and Ishwara-Pranidhana.
Shaucha- Simplicity, purity, refinement, clarity
Nischala Joy Devi says that through simplicity and continual refinement (saucha), the body, thoughts, and emotions become clear reflections of the self within. She continues that saucha reveals our joyful nature, and the yearning to know the self blossoms.
To me, applying this principle to my relationships with others means keeping things simple, and as best as I am able to, bring a sense of lightness to my interactions with others. One way in which this can happen is through my filter of what I assign meaning to, and how I interpret the behavior of others. One model of understanding how conflicts arise is someone says or does something, we create a story about why they did it in our heads, and based on the story we tell ourselves we feel something, and based on the feeling we act. It's no wonder complications ensue in our interactions with others! While the story we have told ourselves may be true, often times it is not, or at least is missing some key facts.
I have found myself fretting needlessly over situations that were quite simple, but because I created stories for others' behaviors, I made walls and walls of complications creating strain and stress for me and others. Think of the times in which others assigned stories, which just were not true, to your behaviors. Often times we don't even know if someone is acting off of what we said or did, or the story they created about what we said or did. However, if and when we do understand, it can be quite interesting to see just how conflict arises when we rely on the info from our stories rather than the facts of what actually happened. This can be understood by separating out what actually happened (observations) and what we think it means (interpretations).
As a practice of saucha, keep things simple. See if you can let what someone says, mean exactly what they say--try not to assign a story to it. If you just can't shake the story and you have bought into it fully, before you act on it, check in with the person to see if it's true and give them a chance to share more. When you do this, share your observations without the story and ask for more clarification if needed.
Santosha- Contentment, being at peace with oneself and others.
In Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication method there is a theory that behind every act of violence there is an unmet need. This may be a stretch to soak in intellectually, especially when considering the range of hostile, gruesome, and hate-filled acts that occur daily in our world. However if you allow yourself to peel back the layers of complexity of such situations, eventually at the core there is a basic human need that fuels the action of each of us, and no matter how unskillfully, or how violently we seek to meet those needs, what can give us hope in any conflict is that we all share those basic needs.
What is also true then is that through the practice of santosha we can lessen the impact that our behaviors may have in the creation of conflict. If it's true that most, if not all conflict arises in response to someone trying to get their needs met then it also is true that if we are content in our lives with what we already have then we are less likely to rely on others to have our needs met. So much conflict ensues because of hidden agendas and expectations that others should do something for us, or that rely on others to meet emotional and physical needs. Oftentimes we're not even aware that we are using people unconsciously to fulfill those needs.
Through consistent meditation and yoga we uncover these hidden drives and can choose to release them. We can choose to be centered and in love with the life we have. When we connect to the abundance we have and are grateful for it we rely less and less on others. When this happens it dramatically shifts our interactions with others and our relationships become more heart centered and rooted in integrity. People become less like pawns in our game to meet our needs, and more like companions in our life journey.
Tapas- Igniting the purifying flame
Every response is either a blessing or a blame. The former will bless you; the latter will boomerang back at you. If an attack thought enters your mind, surrender it to God rather than acting on it. Express to Him your willingness to see the situation differently. Your thoughts will then be purified, and you will respond from power instead of reacting from weakness. And thus we grow....Marianne Williamson
When we invite tapas into the picture, we invite a fire of purification. We release all attack thoughts and all thoughts that aim to horriblize the other get interrupted and transformed through a conscious heart alchemy.
A great practice to transform your thoughts about another person with whom you are in conflict with is to write out their positive qualities and all the things you appreciate about them. Think of a time in which they have been helpful to you, or another person. Then take 5 minutes to focus on your heart, breathe in and out from your heart, and bring to mind that person and think of all the things you appreciate about them practicing gratitude for what they have brought into the world that is positive and good.
Remember that if you hold on to negative feelings towards another, like anger or resentment it has negative impacts on your health and when you take time to cultivate positive energy and emotions for others it has a big impact on your immune system in positive way. So not only does it actually make you healthier, it will also transform how you approach your interactions with others. It shifts your energy from a heart at war, to one at peace. If you arm yourself up with all the "peace, love, and nonviolent techniques" and yet your heart is still at war it just won't work. The other person's B.S. meter will go off. If however you cultivate tapas and burn through the hard and complicated emotions that are triggering you and cultivate a heart at peace--it will shift the conflict.
Swadhyaya- Sacred study of the divine through scripture, nature, and introspection.
"You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.” ~Anonymous
One way to invite swadhyaya into the heart of conflict is to examine your role in the dispute. What if anything could you have done differently, what could the other person perceived as an attack from you? Being willing to examine your role and be accountable to the other person for anything you have done is going to support the process immensely. Often times after a conflict, once I have set aside my righteousness, I can find the ways in which I could have approached what I have said to others more skillfully, or with more compassion. It wasn’t necessarily that what I said was wrong, or untrue, but even truth needs to be tempered with compassion and heart and placed within the context of relationship. Take time to check in with yourself to see the ways in which the other could have possibly perceived you, center yourself in their shoes and discover what may have triggered their fear, defenses, or anger.
Beyond the current conflict you are in you can also take time to examine how you approach conflicts in general and through the insights you receive do the work you need to do to bring more clarity, openness, and care into your interactions so that you approach interactions with others with more mindfulness and integrity.
Ishwara-Pranidhana- Surrender to God Devi Joy states that dedication and devotion to the divine is key to unlocking our hearts. She continues with "When living with an open heart we see clearly as the pathways of our life unfold."
I have found myself in some conflicts in which no amount of planning or usage of a "technique" has seemed to do the trick. In fact some conflicts have been so overwhelming I simply tried to ignore them hoping that they would just go away, or handled them so poorly that the grew much larger than they needed too.
Albert Einstein said you cannot solve the problems of the world from the same level of thinking that created them. Applying Ishwara-Pranidhana is to surrender the situation to the divine and ask for a change heart and thoughts. Say a prayer, or do a mediation in which you invite a miracle, healing, or forgiveness to enter into the situation. Invite possibility into the situation. If you stay focused on what went wrong, or what “they” did “to” you, it keeps you in the realm of the past. Ishwara-Pranidhana is opening up to something bigger and invites the broadening of perception and perspectives.
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