Having been immersed in conflict resolution studies as of late, I had been wondering if there were some ways to connect the time tested philosophies of Yoga to explore new angles to approaching conflict, or at least new lenses from which to see and understand conflict. For me, sometimes just a little twist on a concept or idea can awaken new pathways of understanding and make a practice come to life in a way it hadn't for me before. While I have so thoroughly enjoyed my conflict resolution studies, I wanted to see what Patanjali's Yoga Sutras could offer my reflections on how to communicate with others, especially in the heat of conflict. I am not approaching this process from a literal perspective, but rather what the concept inspires within me, allowing the principle to come to life in a way that can be applied to communication.
I want to note that I am working on some other writings right now related to conflict, including one titled the Heart of Conflict. For this article I am drawing on some of those larger works and plan to share the fuller versions of them when they are completed. For now, let's soak up the wisdom of the sutras.
Patanjali's Yoga Sustras are one of the most valued texts for yogis worldwide and is a foundation text for teachers and students of Yoga. I am using a translation by Nischala Joy Devi as it's one that I feel reflects a more heart centered interpretation (and it's one of the few translations by a woman). I most especially like her take on the Yamas and Niyamas (Guidelines for how we interact with the outer world and our inner world) and will be using those for an exploration into the yoga of speech. As Devi says, the Yamas and Niyamas, rather than being a list of dos and don'ts, are essentially, at a deeper level, a tribute to being- an affirmation of our divine nature. The point is not to beat oneself up if you cannot attain them in every moment, but rather to use these principles as a guide on your path to a more heart centered life.
To some degree or another we all enter into challenging daily interactions with others that provide us with monumental opportunities to engage with our deepest truth and integrity. And let’s face it - more often than not, we leave situations of conflict feeling an edgy tension - a feeling that if we had behaved differently, we may have had a different experience or outcome.
The truth is that every interaction, every word we speak, allows for either heart-engagement or heart-estrangement. It's easy to be accepting and compassionate when others behave how we wish or do what we want. But living in full integrity becomes truly interesting when others are not willing to do what we want or do not have the skill set to engage with us with a similar approach.
Engaging with others in full truth and integrity requires that we connect with the deepest reserves of compassion and understanding in ourselves. We can think of this as a heart-based approach to relating with others. Although we don’t often use the word ‘heart’ in association with relationships outside of our closest interpersonal ones, we can safely apply this language to any relationship we have. This is true because the primary relationship that drives this process is the relationship one has with one’s own heart. In this way, a heart-based approach using the Yamas and Niyamas can be used in the workplace, in organizations in which you’re engaged - even with complete strangers.
Let's begin with an exploration of how the Yamas can enhance our capacity to express the best of our heart when in conflict with others.
The five yamas are: Ahimsa. Satya, Asteya, Brahmacharya, Aparigraha.
Ahimsa: Reverance, love, compassion for all
This is the foundation from which all the others burst forth. If we could apply just one principle and see a shift in our interactions with others, it would be this one. All too often in our interactions we see guilt, rather than the innocence of another. This isn't to imply that the other has not caused harm on some level, what I am referring to is their essential nature. Connecting the spirit of Ahimsa is powerful work and requires that we dig deep to see the divinity in the other, the sacredness within them and then have reverence and awe for that energy within them. No matter what they have done if we choose to see their inherent goodness it shifts the conversation.
What is important to remember in these situations is that none of us are made up solely of our worst behaviors. One of the beauties of being human is that we have the capacity to change and grow. We are all capable of being reminded that we can make new choices in any interaction presented in order to bring forth a more generous and integrous version of ourselves. We can choose reconciliation over dehumanization. One important gateway to this experience is through compassion - which requires that we objectively (as much as we are able to) put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
When we’re faced with a conflict with another person, we do not know the circumstances that brought them to this moment - we can only guess. But that curiosity is in fact the gateway to real compassion. If you find it difficult to easily enter into an empathetic space, being curious is the first key. You can try this with yourself. The next time you’re feeling like you’ve made a mistake, instead of jumping into judgement or criticism, ask instead - what could I have done differently, and why didn’t I do that? The answers may surprise you. When you’re curious, and you start to uncover the reasons for your actions, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to be instantly in touch with compassionate understanding.
You’ll need a healthy approach to self-compassion before you can extend that towards others, so don’t underestimate the power of working on your self first.
One simple way to start to engage compassionately with another person in conflict is to consider the phrase "just like me this person...", filling in the blank with what you think that person’s needs might be in the moment. This can ground you in the remembrance of some form of shared humanity - which is often completely inaccessible when someone is yelling at you! For example, you might think: just like me this person wants to be happy, or just like me this person wants to be secure, etc. When you become aware of that person’s full humanity, the likelihood of staying connected to your heart is high. And that connection is the key to maintaining the compassion that is essential for a heart connection.
If we see someone as an “other” - as a projection, or as a symbol of some idea - we dehumanize them, opening up the possibility that violence can occur. So in a moment of heated conversation your thoughts can either be judgemental: "this person is being completely unreasonable", or compassionate: "just like me this person wants to be respected".
There is an age-old philosophical debate about humanity’s inherent good vs. evil. But I believe strongly that few people wake up in the morning actually wishing to be a force for evil in the world. While many people do commit profound acts of evil, there is always hope (and much proof throughout history) that we can reform. We have amazing resilience and even the most troubled of us can be brought back from the brink of complete disconnection from our humanity.
If you were to sum this principle up it would be the willingness to hold back our condemnation and judgement of others and choose to see their fullest humanity, their sacredness, and speak to them from that place of reverence. Remembering they are more than what they have done in this moment or the past--they are connected to the source of all that is, just like you. Speak to that source within them and see if you notice any shifts in the conflict.
Satya- Truthfulness and integrity
When I think of satya one of the first things that comes to me is actually a spill over from ahimsa, which is the old Buddhist saying "First, do no harm". There are some who argue truth should always be spoken no matter what. To me, I argue that truth should always be tempered through the lens of ahimsa. There are ways in which we can say what we need to say without humiliating others, we can be both truthful and compassionate. Applying satya to our interactions with others means that we don't embellish what we have to say, but rather learn to be very specific and factual always speaking to others' behaviors without attacking who they are as a person and without blaming them (so rather than saying you made me feel this, it becomes "when this happened I felt this") it's a subtle shift but an important one.
Another way in which satya calls us to deeper reflection and awareness of our speech is through the way we share information with others. I am working on a longer piece right now on the topic of gossip, but for now I will leave you with this story from Socrates:
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?” Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
Triple filter?”
That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test.
The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?” No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”
All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
No, on the contrary…”
So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This triple filter, which includes both satya and ahimsa is a good test of whether or not we should pass info on to others. One way to support conflict in ending is to stop fueling the fire.
Asteya: Generosity
Connecting to generosity in the heat of conflict is another one of the skills that is challenging to say the least. One way to do this is to shift gears from the win/lose mentality to a win/win heart focus. There may not be a path forward in which everyone's needs can be reasonably met in the conflict, but the willingness to entertain possibilities is what creates goodwill and flexibility. It's the openness that your generosity creates which fosters conduits for miracles to arise.
So rather than viewing the other/s in conflict as adversaries or opponents, there is a shift that occurs that extends in invitation to them to join you as a partner to cooperate to solve any given issue that is causing the conflict. So rather than, "I want to win", which means you have to lose, it becomes "I want to win, and I want you to win too."
In cases where win/win's are not possible, asteya invites us to explore authentic compromise as well. Is there an opportunity to provide avenues for as many of your needs to be met while giving up some of what you wanted that doesn't feel like you would resent what had happened or the other person for? Remember a true compromise won't leave you feeling like you truly "gave" something away, and if it is from a generous spirit committed to heart connection is becomes a choice that you made consciously to heal a rift in a relationship. When something feels like a gift, rather than something you had to do it makes a huge difference.
Another aspect of generosity/asteya is one of forgiveness. I am reminded of the quote In Matthew 18:21, 22, in which Peter asks Jesus “How many times shall I forgive my brother? Seven times? “ And Jesus says, ‘not seven times but seventy times seven’. This is often a reminder to be generous in our actions towards others. There is no cap on how often we should forgive others--no matter how many times they have missed the mark in our interactions. It doesn't mean not to hold others accountable, forgiveness is really an inner shift from which all we say and do manifests. There are two sayings that I have heard from Marianne Williamson (not sure of her source)which go "whatever you withhold will be witholded from you" and also "in any given situation whatever is lacking is what you are not willing to give". Be generous with your willingness to forgive others and notice the effects on you and the relationship.
Brahmacharya: Balance and moderation of the vital life force
Nothing can zap your life force or keep you stuck quite like conflict. When I think of bramacharya and it's applications to conflict I think of the idea of broadening perspectives, or stepping out side of the conflict to get a bigger view of what is really happening. I think to my own experiences and how very often how I react to others is usually not measured with what actually happened--meaning I react to what happened in way that is not proportionate.
So often in conflict we respond to others with what is called a fight or flight response. In some cases those strategies might be called for. Sometimes we do have to be fierce to prevent a greater harm from occurring and sometimes the smartest thing to do is to just walk away and say/do nothing. However, very often these two strategies are a default because conflict has either been festering too long without any action (except for the eating away of our life force from not saying anything) or has escalated to dangerous heights because we have said to much unskillfully (again when things have reached this point of extreme anger it has taken a toll on our health and energy).
Bramacharya is the willingness to find the middle path in conflict, the idea of neither fight or flight, but flow. Pema Chodron in her book Practicing Peace in a Time of War says that one way to broaden our perspective is to notice our habitual patterns of conflict and when we find ourselves beginning to step into that current again, remind ourselves of the typical outcome. If we want to have the same thing happen then by all means, stick with it, but if you want to open up to something fresh, something that maybe has a little bit more life affirming energy behind it, stop, pause, breathe, and choose again. It could even be as simple as saying in the moment of conflict- Let's start this over, I know that if we keep this up we'll end up fighting, I don't want that. Let's try again and see if we can focus on really hearing each other. Whatever the core issue is. You can always stop and get a fresher perspective. You, or everyone involved can walk up an imaginary set of stairs and look down so to speak and see if anything emerges from that new perch of awareness.
Aparigraha: Awareness of abundance, fulfillment
When I contemplated this one the thing that kept coming to me was appreciation and gratitude for what the situation and person had gifted to me from the interaction. So rather than think about the harm the person has done, or what they have taken from me, I shift my focus to what I can learn, what new information they have given to me about myself, and life itself, what opportunities that they may have opened up for me. I appreciate the conflict for the chance to become a better expression of the divine in this world.
I recognize that there are many ways to get my needs met, and that so many of my needs are already met. I do not need to have this specific set of circumstances unfold in the ways I think I want them to. I do not need this person to do as I think I need them to do. My mantra becomes "this or something better". So much of our suffering and that of others comes from the striving and desire for things to be other than they are or from a perceived lack of material and spiritual resources.
When I appreciate what I have already and have true gratitude for it. I find that my need to control outcomes and behaviors of others to meet my needs lessens.
I also know to be true that appreciation and gratitude towards others can help to invite healing into any relationship. Recently when I had a conflict with a friend, before I approached them about the issue I was having I knew I needed to tap into a more loving energy towards them. I wrote down all that I loved about them, what I truly appreciated about them and it immediately shifted how I felt about our conflict. I even shared with that person what I enjoyed about them and it created a moment of true care and compassion, which I feel supported a more heart centered outcome for our conversation. I encourage you to do this with others when they vent to you about someone they are in conflict with (once you have fully heard them out) ask them to think of things that they like about the other person, or times in which they have done the right thing, or even qualities that they appreciate. When we recognize the abundance of gifts and resources that everyone has, even when we are in conflict with them we discover possible tools to draw from to help heal the relationship too.
Next week we will continue with an examination of the Niyamas.
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